After perusing online dating sites such as Plenty of Fish and OKCupid, I have come to the conclusion that online dating is a great way to meet severely damaged women. It would appear in America that women fail to take into consideration one of the most important laws of the mating ritual: that you should consider what the other sex finds attractive. I ran into some common themes in my online exploration so I am going to share with you the common archetypes of women in the online dating world.
1. The Girl with a Septum Piercing: This girl could have been a decent 7 or 8 but she had to put a big chunk of metal through her nose. Your nose ring has caused your stock to plummet. No man wants to be seen with you in public. Nothing says classless skank like a septum piercing.
2. The Girl with Short Hair: Any girl who cuts off her long beautiful locks of hair to look like Rachel Maddow is psychologically broken. Guys don’t like your dyke hair cut. Ask any real man (and not one of your beta orbiters) and he will tell you that he prefers a girl with long hair.
3. The Girl with Colored Hair: Often this is combined with archetype #2, creating a dreadful combination that screams “FEMINAZI.” When archetypes 2 & 3 are combined, just avoid at all costs. DO NOT ENGAGE. Rarely, you will see the girl with colored hair who has not hacked it all off. Usually this broad is emo or goth or some other type of weird. Go for the bang but lord knows I don’t want to be seen on a date with some pink haired freak.
4. The 30+ Year Old Career Woman: This chick has wasted her prime years pursuing her career to become a mid-level management wage slave for her corporate boyfriend. She says she is ready to date but she really doesn’t have time for you. She is married to her job. She may still be attractive but her schedule is never going to be open to fit you in. She is a future spinster in the making.
5. The Fatty: This broad will do photographic acrobats to appear thinner than she is. She is the Secret Internet Fatty (SIF). She may have a pretty face. You can never see the rest of her body in any of her pics. Some of them can be truly deceptive. You decide to take a chance on her only to be disappointed when she comes waddling around the corner. Always get a recent body pic… some of them like to post pics that are several years old when they were much thinner so always double check if you can.
6. The Horse Chick: H/T to our good friend Aaron Clarey for this observation. Unless she is in the Romney family, no girl in her twenties can afford to upkeep and maintain a horse. This should be a red flag. Let’s say the girl is loaded, there is still something not right about a girl who is obsessed with horses.
7. The Girl with Too Many Tattoos: Some guys may be into this type of girl but I feel nothing ruins a girl more than covering her body in ink. Especially once the tattoos make their way up her neck or on her face. Tattoo sleeves are just trashy. A girl with too many tattoos lacks class. I say a limit of 2 tattoos and they must be tasteful ones. I agree with Krauser:
8. The Humanitarian: The humanitarian girl is probably one of two things: 1. A Churchianity Bible Thumper or 2. Some Pinko Commie Leftie with a terrible case of white guilt. Either way I am not interested. Go for the bang and move on before they begin flagellating themselves over their white privilege.
9. The Single Mother: This broad makes great life decisions. She has a litter of illegitimate bastards and she is seeking out her sugar daddy to help pay the bills. Avoid this one at all costs. If a girl already has one child out of wedlock, she sure as Hell is not afraid of having another because she’s got the support of Uncle Sam. It’s best to avoid this girl at all costs but if you must go for the bang, then bring your own condoms. You don’t want to be the baby’s daddy for the next 18+ years.
10. The Masculine Tom Boy: This girl will often say that she has no girl friends, she likes doing country/out-doorsy things, or that she is just “one of the boys.” She is signalling to you that she is not at all feminine. She is a tom boy. She is probably not even interested in men sexually. She is a closeted lesbian. You could try and date her but it would just be a waste of time.